It only hurts when you land.

The hardest part was when you walked away.
I wanted you to stay, wanted you to beg
but I never pegged you for one to get down on your knees.
And I was right
about so many parts, but the cracks in the heart –
they get no comfort in “I told you so.”
It was both of us, in the end, or maybe just Us
the capitalization a death sentence
because we were better off friends.
We were better off secret
better off as nothing
because something brought us down when we tried to be real.
Or maybe what we had before –
secret nights wandering the streets
headlights and stars –
maybe that was real
and maybe what we felt –
what we still feel –
maybe that was real too.
But we broke when we changed
the thing that was good
and I would take it back
if I could find a way
but for today, and tomorrow,
until we can find a road back
we’re stuck.
But maybe by chance, or luck,
or maybe if we try
we can find our yesterday.
Out of everything I could say
there’s few words that matter
the hurt swallowed up the rest.
I could say “this is for the best”
but the hole in my gut
laughs at this idea
and my stolen breath
scoffs at the thought.
I still love you.
And I’m looking for a sign
that maybe this isn’t the end.
And yes, we’ll try being friends.
We’ll look for yesterday in tomorrow
borrowed hours in the night
walking our streets again.
And so maybe it isn’t the end after all,
because we may have a long way to fall from this height
but we fall together
and it may feel like forever,
and when we hit,
we might not be able to stand on our own two feet.
But I remember what you used to say
“It only hurts when you land”
and you and me?
We’ve still got a long ways to go.
And so it just goes to show that goodbye
is a relative term
a tide that can wash you away
a battle with no sides,
just inevitability and salt-stained cheeks.
But the earth still spins
and whether it’s weeks, or months
or our own small eternity
time is still ours for the taking.
Our faith might be shaken and we might be bent
but the breaks can be fixed
we can find our balance
the properly mixed cocktail of today
tomorrow
and whatever burning we still have.
Because I remember how it felt.
I remember
and I hope to god you do too.
We both knew it wouldn’t last forever
but this doesn’t feel like the end.
Because I can still feel the flames
and maybe we’re both to blame
but that means we both have the power to fix it, too.
I’m not saying we should try this again
not the way the past weeks have been
because I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.
But maybe it will be better, maybe you’re right
because I’m willing to fight for us, for the part of us that works
the part of us that hurts
the part of us that made us need each other.
We were best friends
shadows
and maybe we can find that again.
So I’m not giving up
even though you walked away
even though I could say so much more than I did last night.
It was the right time to end Us with a capital “u”
but I don’t think we’re through with each other.
We haven’t been able to walk away yet
and I don’t think that’s changed.
We’re still chained to each other
whether we want to be or not
caught up in the unshakeable past of it all.
We’re still falling but that’s okay
and I have no idea what I’m doing, and neither do you
but this isn’t something new, this is us
the better version
the one that was there all along.
Maybe it will be wrong again and we’ll end
and maybe goodbye will
become a permanent state of being
But until then I’m trying.
Don’t get me wrong,
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt, wasn’t angry
but haven’t I been for the past year?
And maybe that’s okay
maybe that’s the way it has to be.
But if I could bet on us, I would.
Because we might be on our last stand
but it only hurts when you land.
And we haven’t hit the ground yet.